I'm sitting here trying to study while my mind keeps wandering back to what's going on in Egypt. This time they are not rational thoughts. They are not about the future, the scenarios, the strategy of fighting oppression, or any such thing. They are thoughts of sadness and loss, of not understanding why so many young people had to die. I saw a bit too much today. It was not blood or dead bodies. It was old photos with the smiling faces of those who lost their lives, looking at the camera without knowing what lied in their future. It was photos of mothers and fathers weeping in disbelief of how cruel their lives have become. It was footage of young people mourning their friends whom they had to lose too early in life. The difference this time is those young souls did not die while protesting in Tahrir or even anywhere nearby. In fact, they were a few hundred miles away from there. They died just because they went to see a football match. And since then, many more have been getting injured or killed around Tahrir because they went on to say we should not be killed anymore. The vicious attacks and killings are becoming so normal they don't surprise any of us anymore, even though I think our hearts are still wondering how this happens. It makes me start thinking of what would happen if I too got attacked or killed there.
If I get shot with pellets in my face and body, will it hurt? Will I scream in pain? Will I actually cry? Will my friends get angry and try to protect me? Will they tweet about it saying that I was never in Egypt during big protests but I always supported them?
And what if I die? Would that make my dad finally admit what's wrong with SCAF and their governments? Will he finally be angry at them? Will my neutral friends finally take a stance? Are they going to write angry posts on Facebook and twitter telling people this has to end? If I die, I know of men that would cry. Would it make them go to Tahrir and yell "down with military rule"? I know of many people who would be very sad. Will they pay more attention to the cause? Will they realize that the greed of old tyrants has killed the best of Egypt? Will they think of me and say this regime has to go?
I used to think these thoughts were just me being scared. Maybe they are, but it is not just about personal fears anymore. These thoughts are about what is wrong with the current situation. They are about how tens of young people died in one hour because of a power play.
The truth is I don't want to die because I went protesting against injustice. I don't want to die because I yelled out what I really think and feel. I don't want to die just because I wanted freedom. I don't want to get injured or hurt either. I don't want to lose an eye, live with a disfigured face, or have a scarred body just because I exercised by right to say no. Actually, nobody should at all and nobody should have.
However, if my death would make all those people who love me (or even half of them) do something for Egypt, then so be it. In fact, sometimes it makes me secretly wish I were there risking my life. The sad part is that only with every new incident and every new martyr, more people take note and start waking up. Maybe this's why God is choosing for more to die everyday, to remind the rest of us of the cause we're fighting for.
